Should I use Dating Apps in Search for a Long-term, Committed Relationship?
Should I use Dating Apps in Search for a Long-term, Committed Relationship?
Applying wisdom while utilising dating apps
Published on 15 March, 2024
- 1. Why do I want to use dating apps?
- 2. Do I know myself, and what I am looking for in a potential date?
- 3. Do I understand the business model, benefit, and drawback of dating apps?
- 4. Can I use the features offered by a dating app to build a strong friendship — in an intentional and deliberate manner, while staying aware of its limitations?
The question of whether to use dating apps or online dating platforms in pursuit of a long-term relationship is a tricky one. If you’re in a season of your life where your social circles are not expanding, and you would love to meet new people, dating apps are a great platform to meet other singles.
On the other hand, dating apps have some very real limitations. One of the greatest limitations of dating apps is the illusion of infinite choice. Because the pool of active users on dating apps are so large, individuals are constantly facing what psychologists refer to as the paradox of choice. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, when people are presented with too many options, the individual experiences decreased satisfaction, no matter the choice made. The reason is simple: There is a sense that there is always someone better out there.
I would like to offer a set of questions to ask yourself, before you decide if dating apps are for you in this time of your life as you seek a long-term, committed relationship.
A strong friendship built on trust and respect is a great foundation for the early stages of a dating relationship, and it’s much easier to strengthen an existing friendship than it is to build a new one from scratch.
1. Why do I want to use dating apps?
Before diving into a dating app, it’s important to ask yourself ‘why’. Do you feel that none of your friends could be a potential partner? Evaluate your existing friendships honestly—perhaps there’s someone worth getting to know better. Building a strong friendship based on trust and respect forms a solid foundation for a romantic relationship. Strengthening an existing bond is often easier than starting anew.
However, if none of your current connections seem promising, it’s time to expand your social circle. Dating apps aren’t the only option; consider joining interest groups, seeking introductions from mutual friends, or volunteering. These are great alternatives for friendships to bloom in a more organic fashion.
The mode and manner of meeting people is not as crucial as the quality of your friendships. Strong friendships are built on values of respect and trust. Focus on building meaningful connections and sharpening the soft skills necessary to build a healthy, long-term relationship, such as emotional intelligence and conflict resolution, rather than simply expanding your social network.
The key to effectiveness in dating is to be clear about what traits you wish your potential date to possess, and what are certain red flags or dealbreakers for you.
2. Do I know myself, and what I am looking for in a potential date?
The second question to ask yourself once you’ve become aware of your motives, is to assess your understanding of self – your goals in life, your personality, your strengths and weaknesses, and your values.
An important piece of a meaningful, long-term relationship is the degree to which both parties are able to make themselves known, by articulating their goals, needs, values, and their strengths and weaknesses, and have the other receive and reflect them back. It’s important to be aware of these facets of yourself before you commit to knowing another person.
The other piece that makes a long-term relationship healthy and strong is the ability to accept and receive your partner for the totality of who they are. The key to effectiveness in dating is to be clear about what traits you wish your potential date to possess, and what are certain red flags or dealbreakers for you. This is to avoid unnecessary heartache and disappointment arising from the lack of clear communication of expectations from the onset.
Without the values of contentment, gratitude, and commitment, one will always remain dissatisfied with their match on a dating app.
3. Do I understand the business model, benefit, and drawback of dating apps?
Once you’re clear on your identity and the type of person you’re seeking, it’s essential to understand how dating apps operate, and their pros and cons. Dating apps, driven by profit, aim to attract and retain users through freemium models, offering limited free features, while tempting users with premium subscriptions promising better matches and visibility. These companies capitalize on the human desire to stand out, leveraging it to sell premium features.
While this raises ethical questions, users must realize that relying solely on free features may limit their chances of finding a quality match. Even with premium features, users may face the paradox of choice and decreased satisfaction.
Where dating apps excel in is their ability to connect individuals who share a mutual interest in a long-term, committed relationship—assuming this preference is indicated in their profile settings. This is a plus for many users who choose this avenue of meeting other singles over traditional meeting spaces.
Ultimately, choosing to embrace the values of contentment, gratitude, and commitment is key to satisfaction in dating, regardless of the platform used.
Thanks to technology, we can build friendships with people whom we may never have otherwise met, but it takes much wisdom and maturity for the interaction online to progress to a real life, genuine connection.
4. Can I use the features offered by a dating app to build a strong friendship — in an intentional and deliberate manner, while staying aware of its limitations?
Once you understand how dating apps function and have weighed their pros and cons, consider if you can leverage their strengths to foster genuine connections intentionally.
Dating apps excel in sparking conversations on diverse topics, allowing you to delve beyond the initial superficial conversations into something deeper. Once you have warmed up to each other over text, transitioning to an in-person meeting is crucial for developing deeper friendship, as online interactions lack vital nonverbal cues essential for deeper emotional connection. Face-to-face encounters also verify the authenticity of information shared online.
One of the greatest challenges with maintaining a connection with someone over text is the difficulty in drawing emotional boundaries, and appropriately pacing the growth of trust and intimacy in the relationship. Trust is built over time, and as easy as it might be to rush an interaction, it’s more beneficial in the long term to exercise restraint. The true character of an individual, such as their values, beliefs, and direction in life takes time to be unveiled, through a variety of different scenarios and contexts.
After committing to exclusivity, deleting the app helps maintain focus on your current relationship. This helps you draw a mental boundary with the thoughts that there could be someone better out there on the app, and if your current date is the best fit for you.
Thanks to technology, we can build friendships with people whom we may never have otherwise met, but it takes much wisdom and maturity for the interaction online to progress to a real life, genuine connection. True relational satisfaction and fulfilment comes from the mature decision of mutual commitment, emotional health, and clear communication of expectations and needs, and this can very well be assisted by a dating app, but not replaced by it.
