Trusting the Process in Motherhood
Tending to this journey with an enduring love
Published on 30 April, 2024
The feeling you get when you cradle your newborn and take in every tiny detail of his/her little face. The amazement and excitement of witnessing your child’s firsts. The way your heart swells with pride when you look at the person they are growing into.
Being a mother is one of the most unique experiences in this world, special in every way – even in the way it grows and challenges you.
Your baby is still waking multiple times at night. Your toddler seems to be endlessly whiny and refuses to obey your instructions. Your primary schooler cannot seem to get that math concept right no matter how many times you try to explain it.
You’re tired – physically, mentally and emotionally. It constantly feels like things are not getting better no matter how hard you try. You’re going through the motions, and it never feels like enough.
As tough as it may be to see beyond this current season, be assured that everything you go through and endure will come to fruition, all in good time.
In the sowing and the waiting, what does it mean to trust the process?
Trusting the process is to relinquish control over desired outcomes and expectations – and in place of that, have faith that every decision you make and every challenge you overcome counts for something. In its time, it will culminate into something beautiful.
While that can sound scary, learning to trust the process is an important mindset to have while journeying through the unchartered waters of motherhood and all it entails. By shifting your focus away from the things that cannot be controlled, it takes off burdens that we often unknowingly and unnecessarily carry, so that we can focus on what and who truly matter.
Trusting the process is to relinquish control over desired outcomes and expectations, and have faith that every decision you make and every challenge you overcome counts for something.
Trusting the process is to relinquish control over desired outcomes and expectations, and have faith that every decision you make and every challenge you overcome counts for something.
What it looks like to trust the process in motherhood:
1. Embrace the uniqueness of your journey
Drawing comparisons is a surefire way to discourage ourselves. Consciously or subconsciously, we find ourselves looking at other kids’ developmental progress and behaviour, and how other mums seem to be coping – and use that as a yardstick for how we are doing in our own journey of motherhood.
Often, this can leave us feeling demoralised about the ways we are bringing up our own children, wondering if we are doing what is “right” for them.
While there may be some basic and helpful principles in parenting, there is no manual that comes with the role. As with all human interactions and relationships, there is no guarantee that doing A would result in B.
Every child, every mum and every relationship is different; what works well for one child may end up being the most unhelpful approach when it comes to another.
Your story and journey are distinctly yours, and it is only when we start to appreciate our uniqueness and that of our children that we see the beauty of being content with our own special journey of growth.
You are the mum your child needs.
2. Show yourself grace
Let’s admit it: We are works-in-progress, and will always be.
We know that there is no perfect mother and no motherhood journey free from challenges, yet we can be so quick to beat ourselves up for our mistakes or when the guilt of not doing enough for our kids creeps in.
Whether it came in the form of snapping at your child when they asked, “Why?” for (what felt like) the hundredth time in a day or feeling bad about leaving the room the very second before your baby falls off the bed, we have our share of regrets when it comes to being a mum.
Even then, every impatient and harsh response can be an opportunity to seek forgiveness, every moment of failure a chance to reflect, and each desperate cry for a breather a reminder that we are human. While these experiences are uncomfortable and painful, they are opportunities for growth, shaping our character and the relationship we share with our kids.
Being a mother is no easy feat. It demands a lot—if not all—of who we are, and there is room to show yourself compassion as you grow with grace.
Difficult circumstances have a unique way of refining and moulding our character.
3. Play the long game
Motherhood is a ride for the long haul and some seasons are going to be more challenging than others – the first few weeks without the confinement nanny, having two under 3, a child’s adjustment to primary school, relational struggles with your teen; all on top of personal struggles.
At the lowest points of your journey, it can be tempting to quiet-quit and give up trying.
The growth mindset would argue that these situations are opportunities to build resilience, learn and become better versions of ourselves. Difficult circumstances have a unique way of refining and moulding our character.
To make the most of every season and to keep growing as a mum, we have to hold onto hope when we are in the trenches – and tell ourselves that, “This too shall pass.” Sometimes, before we know it, our child finally learns to soothe themselves back to sleep, or begin to read independently, or be potty-trained. Growth will spring forth in time to come.
4. Celebrate growth
A friend of mine frequently fretted over how frequently she would blow her top at her kids. When one day quite suddenly she realised that even when she had let out a few harsh words, she was able to pause mentally and physically, walk around the kitchen a few times while breathing to regain her calm, and then return to the scene a lot more in control of her emotions.
It did not happen overnight and it certainly is nowhere near perfection. But trusting the process means believing that over time, there is some form of growth in the journey – even if it occurs it shows in ways you don’t expect.
Whether it has got to do with your child’s developmental journey and meltdown frequency, or your level of patience and choice of response, ask yourself these questions:
- Compared to a week/month/half a year/one year ago, what changes are visible?
- Apart from this challenge, how else have I/my child grown?
As you learn to celebrate both the small and big milestones in you and your young ones’ journey, you may find the assurance and encouragement that you need to take the next step, and then the next.
The burdens a mum bears are heavy and circumstances can be challenging, but when we take a step back and consider how far you’ve come, it shifts our perspective of the difficulties we face in the process.
If you find yourself dutifully watering and tending to a seed in the soil but can’t quite see any growth above the surface, remember that roots need time to grow deep. As the plant grows, there will be seasons of weeding, of pruning, and seasons where it flowers and bears fruit.
Signs of growth—both in your children and in you—will sprout all in good time.
This article was written by Faith Wong, a gen-Zer who loves gymming, K-pop bands, and coffee.
From 3 to 13 May 2024, join us in encouraging mums of their growth in their precious journey of motherhood. Find out more at www.family.org.sg/AllinGoodTime.
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