Marriage's Life Stage: Husband

Extramarital Affairs: Can There Be a Second Chance?

Most couples enter marriage with intention of savouring long-lasting marital bliss. Nobody expects themselves or their spouse to have an affair. However, the unfortunate reality is that affairs do happen.

An affair usually arises when there are perceived or real unmet needs in a marriage. Lack of intimacy, poor communication, unresolved anger, undercurrent issues, and emotional distance are all common traits of a marriage in crisis, according to Larry Lai, Head of Counselling and Principal Psychotherapist at Focus on the Family Singapore.

“There is usually something missing in the marriage relationship that has resulted in one or both parties feeling frustrated or helpless and instead of resolving the issues, one party chooses to fulfill their unmet needs outside of the marriage” he adds.

There is usually something missing in the marriage relationship that has resulted in one or both parties feeling frustrated or helpless.

Having personally known couples who have journeyed through infidelity, Larry has also witnessed, first-hand, their successful recoveries. Here are some of the key factors necessary for healing after an extramarital affair.

Be prepared for the long recovery journey

The first and foremost thing is for the wrongdoer to admit and accept responsibility for committing the affair, acknowledge the hurts and injuries they have caused, and seek forgiveness. The next and very difficult step, especially in the case of a long-term emotional affair, is for the wrongdoer to commit to ending the affair and restoring the marital relationship.

Larry emphasises that both parties must be prepared for the tough and long-drawn process in an affair recovery and restoration journey.


“Realistically, it may take 1-2 years, if not longer, for both parties to fully heal, through the help of individual and couple therapy,” said Larry.

Be willing to forgive 

Forgiveness is another key ingredient in moving on after an affair. Reconciliation cannot happen without forgiveness.

Reconciliation cannot happen without forgiveness.

This is arguably the hardest step to take for the wronged spouse. When your spouse betrays your trust and causes you deep emotional hurt, you may have a strong need for vindication or justice. Forgiveness is likely to be the last thing you want to extend.

However, it is important to realise that forgiveness not only frees the wrongdoer from shame and guilt and allow him to start afresh in rebuilding the relationship, it also frees you to focus on your own healing process.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting but it does mean not using the incident against your spouse in the journey ahead. It also doesn’t mean that the pain and hurt automatically vanish; you will still need the time and space to grieve as your marriage has changed irrevocably.

Rather, forgiveness facilitates your own internal healing process. It is only through forgiveness that you can free yourself and focus on restoring and strengthening your marital relationship without the encumbrances of the affair.

Seek good counsel

Working with a counsellor can help facilitate the healing and restoration process. A counsellor will generally work with both of you, through individual and couple therapy, to identify the unmet needs in your marital relationship, and guide you in the work needed for healing and restoration.

For instance, it may be necessary to establish new boundaries for re-building trust in your marriage with regards to interactions with the opposite sex and improve on the accountability and transparency in your marriage.

Take it one day at a time

The best thing you can do for yourself during the recovery period is to take things one day at time.

For those with children, the challenges might seem even more overwhelming because it will be hard to hide your stress. Be honest with your children about the difficulties that you are going through but only provide them with age-appropriate information. Don’t weigh your children down with the details or play the blame game.

Do take care of the parts of your family life that you still have control over to provide a semblance of security and stability for your children.

Be honest with your children about the difficulties that you are going through but only provide them with age-appropriate information.

Infidelity does not have to signal the end of the road for a marriage but with the willingness from you and your spouse to forgive and work on your relationship, your marriage can be given a new lease of life.

© 2018 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

If you have unresolved issues in your marriage, or are dealing with marital infidelity, speak to one of our counsellors today.

Why Do Husbands Need Respect and Wives Desire Love?

“I can’t believe you just said that about me in front of all our friends! How could you humiliate me like this?” Sean spat at his wife.

Xue Ying was baffled. “It was just a casual remark. Anyway I was just telling it like it was. You do behave like that often, even when I’ve told you not to.”

“Did you have to tell everyone and make me lose face like that? I don’t know how I can face them again!” Sean stormed off.

For the rest of the evening, Sean gave Xue Ying the cold shoulder. He knew they should talk it out but he was still fuming. Besides, he thought, she probably wouldn’t care about being apart for just a few hours. He just needed some space to cool off.

Xue Ying didn’t understand why Sean was this bothered and treating her this way. She texted her close friend and cried confused tears as they chatted. “He’s been ignoring me since the afternoon. Does this mean he doesn’t love me anymore?”

This is a fictional scenario, but does it sound familiar? The wife did something she believed was harmless, but it affected her husband in a way she didn’t foresee. The husband acted in a way that he thought was inoffensive, yet didn’t know it would upset his wife this much.

The Crazy Cycle

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, a New York Times bestselling author on marriage, points out that “men hear criticism as contempt [while] women feel silence as hostility.” This explains why Sean felt so embarrassed by his wife’s joke about his behaviour, and Xue Ying felt so hurt by her husband’s subsequent silence.

Men hear criticism as contempt while women feel silence as hostility.

He calls an exchange like that the “Crazy Cycle”. Here’s how it works: when a wife doesn’t receive love from her husband, she reacts by not giving her husband respect, and when a husband doesn’t feel respected by his wife, he reacts by withholding love from her. And the crazy cycle repeats itself!

Why do men value being respected so much, and why is feeling loved so significant to women?

Men and Women Have Different Needs

In her surveys, Shaunti Feldhahn — a social researcher and author of many bestselling books on relationships — found that men and women have different inner insecurities.

She found that “[w]omen tended to have deep, hidden questions like, Am I special? Am I loveable? and thus needed to feel special and worthy of being loved for who they were on the inside.”

On the other hand, “men…really didn’t have those questions. Instead, they worried, Do I measure up? Am I any good at what I do? In other words: they deeply need to feel noticed, able, and appreciated for what they do on the outside.”

Different insecurities lead to contrasting emotional needs in men and women.

Different insecurities lead to contrasting emotional needs in men and women.

Give Our Spouse what is Needed

Feldhahn urges that understanding these sensitive areas helps us avoid hurting our spouse, and stop thinking that they’re being ‘oversensitive’. This lets us care for our mate in the way they need.

She points out that “men’s private doubt about whether they measure up is the reason why [their wives’] respect…matters so much to them.” For women, because their “latent insecurity [is] about whether their man really loves them and even whether they are truly lovable,” they “need to be reassured [by their husbands] often that they are beautiful and they are loved.”

This doesn’t mean a husband only wants his wife’s respect without love; neither does a wife only long for her husband’s love without respect. It’s just that a man needs to feel respected more, while a woman needs to feel loved more.

Dr. Eggerichs observes that just as a wife desires unconditional love from her husband, a husband needs unconditional respect from his wife. When we meet our spouse’s emotional needs, that’s when a couple enters into what he calls the “Energising Cycle”.

The Energising Cycle

Imagine that Sean and Xue Ying have learnt about each other’s insecurities and emotional needs. What can he do to meet her desire to feel loved?

Some things Sean can do include:

  • making it a point to spend quality time with her
  • sharing his joys and difficulties with her
  • listening to her and being empathetic when she shares her feelings with him
  • apologising when he has done something wrong toward her
  • speaking well of her in front of others
  • being physically affectionate with her in public

As for Xue Ying, to help Sean feel respected in their marriage, some things she can do to meet his emotional needs include:

  • expressing her appreciation for his efforts at work
  • affirming his commitment to protect and provide for her
  • not putting him down about his accomplishments or how much he earns
  • recognising that his desire to solve problems is his way of caring for her
  • responding to him when he desires sexual intimacy
  • encouraging him to spend time alone to recharge

Love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man.

Of course, every person is unique, so each couple needs to figure out what most satisfies their spouse’s primary desires. When we remember that “love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man” (Dr Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs), we’re off to a good start! Be energised in loving each other as you meet your spouse’s emotional needs.

This article was written by Raphael Zhang.

© 2018 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

References:
For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women (Revised and Updated Edition) by Shaunti and‎ Jeff Feldhahn.
For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men (Revised and Updated Edition) by Shaunti Feldhahn.
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Love and Respect by Emerson & Sarah Eggerichs.

How to Break the Ice In A Cold War with Your Spouse

Bring back the sweet nothings

“Why are you always tired the moment I want to talk to you? I only wanted to…”

Before I could even breathe a word more, my husband pulled the blanket over his head and snapped, “Good night!”, cutting me off in the middle of my sentence.

As I lay in bed staring into the dark, I began reminiscing our courtship days when we would spend hours on the telephone. Even though my then boyfriend, and now husband is an introvert, he was comfortable baring his soul and revealing his innermost thoughts and feelings to me.

Fast forward 15 years later, the man who promised to give his heart wouldn’t even lend me his ears.

Just how have we gone from whispering sweet nothings to saying nothing?

Fortunately, we arrested our communication breakdown before it headed further south. While there are still days when unkind words are said in anger and we get defensive at the slightest suggestion of an on-coming conflict, we have also learnt to be quick to apologise and reconcile the next day.

Rebounding from a communication breakdown

A lack of communication has been cited as one of the top reasons for marital breakdowns, ranking even higher than infidelity. A girlfriend once said that she’d rather quarrel with her husband than be caught in a cold war.

When both parties have reached a stage where they couldn’t care less to even quarrel, they have grown emotionally distant, which is a slippery slope downhill.

When a couple stops communicating, it usually stems from the woman feeling unloved and the man feeling disrespected. How can we communicate better so as to break the silence and reconnect as a couple?

3 ways to ace communication with your spouse

We can use the acronyms A.C.E to remember 3 practical ways on how to ace communication with our spouse and restore the relationship.

A: Apologise and mean it

We don’t like to feel patronised when our kids give us half-hearted apologies, yet we are guilty of doing that when we say, “I’m sorry but…” and attempt to justify our wrong-doing.

Although saying sorry is the first step to break the silence, especially if we were the one who triggered the cold war, anything less than a sincere apology makes us appear begrudging.

Between my husband and I, I struggle to apologise as I expect him to give in to me. (I blame Korean dramas for my unrealistic expectations.)

However, being the first to apologise doesn’t mean we are weak. It shows that we care more about mending the relationship than the need to be right. Laying our egos aside to apologise wholeheartedly is never easy, but for the sake of our marriage, it is worth it.

Being the first to apologise doesn’t mean we are weak. It shows that we care more about mending the relationship than the need to be right.

C: Choose not to be offended

Whenever my husband hints that the house is getting too untidy, my first response is to feel attacked. Once this self-defensiveness is triggered, I shut out my emotions and retaliate by being critical.

We feel the need to protect ourselves, but the danger is when we go all out to win an argument only to realise too late that it comes at a heavy cost.

So let’s make a conscious effort not to take every comment personally. Instead, we can accept our spouse’s feedback graciously, perhaps asking, how can we do it together or do it better. More often than not, my husband who is a fixer, jumps at the opportunity to solve the problem, resulting in a win-win outcome for everyone.

We feel the need to protect ourselves, but the danger is when we go all out to win an argument only to realise too late that it comes at a heavy cost.

E: Express your wishes

Women expect men to be mind-readers. However, men just want us to get to the point and tell them straight up.

After 12 years of marriage, I’ve learnt to express my wishes to my husband by using “I would love it if…” statements.

For these statements to be effective, they would need to be positive and future-focused. For example, “I would love it if you consulted me before agreeing to go out with your friends tonight” or “I would love it if you offered to take the kids for their classes, so that I can rest tomorrow.”

The idea is not to use them as angry or sarcastic statements to pick a fight. So statements like, “I would love it if you stop being a pain” is not going to be helpful.

Having an occasional timeout is necessary, but don’t allow the cooling period to overrun its course. Keep the lines of communication open and nurture your marriage by using the A.C.E strategies shared above.

This article was written by Susan Koh. Susan is a self-confessed C+ mum who lives for coffee, chocolate and heartfelt connections. As a mum of one she believes that the best parenting style is parenting with intention and shares her motherhood journey on her blog A Juggling Mom.

Think about:

  • Which part of A.C.E. would you apply to your own marriage?

© 2019 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Build Your Marriage By Asking These 5 Questions

After 16 years of marriage and six children, my husband and I thought it timely to park some couple time aside this year and signed up for a marriage retreat. It was obvious to us, that after a season of coping with parenting young children in our twenties and thirties, along with career and family transitions, our marriage had lost some of its initial shine with the daily wear and tear of life. 

Marriage too is subject to seasons. The early years of marriage, while sweet, felt akin to walking a tightrope in order to balance each other’s expectations. Midway, in trying to establish financial stability, the demands of work and hopeful ambition ate into our attempts at real connection.

After children came on the scene, marriage became not just about “us”. Our time was mostly consumed in taking care of their needs first, leaving us with barely enough energy and time to address each other’s. Our moments were no longer exclusive but shared – our children would tag along with us to celebrate our wedding anniversaries.

To be fair, all marriages go through change. After all, some of our initial conceptions of our spouse and ideas of what marriage would be like will evolve. Adding to that, our personal experiences and emotional growth may shape us into different people from the original two starry-eyed individuals who had vowed to stick together for better or worse.

It was a timely weekend; Covenant Marriage Retreat 2019 in Singapore taught us some practical handles on how to iron out the kinks and rev the engines of love that would sustain our marriage in the decades to come.

If you can identify with what we have experienced, here are five specific questions that will help our marriages go the distance:

1. How can I focus on the good in our marriage? 

As the years go by and we see the person we married for who he or she really is, it may be easier to magnify their weaknesses and flaws than recognise the good. Focusing on the good means accepting your partner for who he is and where he’s at. It is also about choosing to acknowledge your partner’s efforts and strengths.

My husband is not a natural romantic who plans surprises or buys me flowers. However, I’ve learnt to appreciate him for the practical hands-on husband that he is, rather than focusing on what he is not. I appreciate his quiet ways of expressing love: Allowing me to take a bath first after a long day, swapping dishes with me when his order looks better than mine, doing the dishes without being asked and changing nappies. These are the many sweet ways he makes me feel special and loved! 

I’ve learnt to appreciate him for the practical hands-on husband that he is, rather than focusing on what he is not.

2. How can I fill my spouse’s emotional fuel tank?

Craig Hill, founder of Family Foundations International and author of Two Fleas & No Dog: Transform Your Marriage from Fleadom to Freedom, reveals that men and women perceive value totally differently. “Every person has an emotional fuel tank and Value is the fuel.” Men perceive value through respect and women perceive value through love.

For a woman, practical love means ensuring she is given high priority, that attention is given to address her feelings, and responsibility is taken when her spouse hurts her. For a man, practical respect translates to acceptance, admiration and appreciation of his work and efforts for the family.

Understanding this difference helps us do what matters most to our spouse and fills their emotional tanks. We need to consciously and intentionally fill our spouse’s emotional tank so that marriage becomes a safe harbour for them to rest and refuel instead of a battleground.

3. How can I better communicate to my spouse his or her value?

Most of the communication failures in a marriage arise from the things we say and…the things we don’t. While words can be used to accuse, tear down and manipulate emotions, sincere, affirming words have the power to build up our marriage relationship regardless of how we feel.

For every gripe we have about our spouse, think of three things we can thank and honour him for. Choosing to speak life-giving words will feed the heart and soul of our marriage. At the same time, “Only 7% of a communicated message is contained in the words spoken. Another 38% is in voice intonation and 55%, body language,” says Hill. That means a whopping 93% of all our communicated messages are non-verbal! We must be mindful that our tone and bodily gestures, such as touch and eye contact, have a direct impact on our relationship too. 

Sincere, affirming words have the power to build up our marriage relationship regardless of how we feel.

4. How can I put his or her needs first? 

Our marriage can run the risk of becoming transactional if we choose to prioritise our individual happiness above our spouse’s. The world has conditioned us to think that every relationship should offer some kind of payback.

“What’s in it for me?” “Can my spouse provide me with enough money?” “Will we be able to afford yearly holidays?” reflect attitudes that can prove toxic to a marriage.

Instead, we can shift gears by asking questions like, “How can I serve my spouse?”, “How can I make his or her day special?” and “How can I prioritise my spouse’s needs first?” The adage, “It is better to give than to receive” is definitely applicable to how we treat the one closest to us. 

5. How can I prioritise my marriage more?

Are there any hobbies, people, activities that might be competing with our desire to spend time with our spouse? The year-end holiday season is a good time for couples to reconnect and spend time together. Go on a short vacation or just take time out away from work or the kids.

It is easy to confuse building our families with building our marriages. They are complementary but not the same thing. In fact, spending time to intentionally improve our relationship with our spouse will ensure that our children and family relationships benefit as well. 

Think about:

  • Which marriage question will you mull over this week?

How to Date Your Spouse Again

Marriages go through different seasons and life stages, with some more hectic and challenging than others. Similarly, while dates with our spouse may at times feel
lacklustre (or frankly, non-existent), we can take small steps in reconnecting and learning to date our spouse again.

As you take the first step towards nurturing a healthy and strong marriage, this eGuide will provide you with tools and tips to keep the sparks flying! 

Suitable for newlyweds or couples married through the seasons. 

Download PDF now (5.13 MB)

How to Overcome Personality Differences in Marriage?

I attended two weddings at the beginning of the year. As I witnessed these two lovely couples (both of the bridegrooms were my mentees) entering into holy matrimony, I couldn’t help but reflect on my own marriage and the years that my wife Donna and I had been married.

How did we survive those years?

How is it that I now love her more than when we first started?

Well, one thing is for sure. It is not enough to marry the one we love. We must love the one we marry. 26 years ago, I married the one I loved. Today, I am still loving the one I had married.

Meltdowns are not manipulative, and are usually not within the child’s control. 

‘A lot of give and take’

When I was asked at the second wedding to say a few words to the married couple, I looked into their eyes and offered this advice: “You must learn how to give and take.” I went on to say, “Kenny, you give and she takes.” Almost everyone in the room burst into laughter.

I explained, “When it comes to wardrobe space, you give her 70%, and you make do with 30%. As for shoe rack space? She 80 and you 20.”

I love books, so in our case, 80 to me, and 20 to my wife.

How did our marriage last 26 years? The answer: A lot of give and take.

We are so different, yet we managed to live under the same roof and sleep on the same bed, for all these years. Speaking about sleeping on the same bed, I didn’t know that the number of blankets is also an issue for discussion between married couples.

A few days after the first couple got married, I met with them and 3 other friends for lunch. When I asked the newlyweds how married life was, my mentee asked, “Do you use 1 blanket or 2 blankets?”

One immediate response was, “Why would you want to use 1 blanket? Having a good sleep is more important.”

We had a healthy discussion and managed to reach a conclusion before our food was served. The conclusion was this: As long as we sleep on the same bed, whether we use our own blanket or share a blanket is not so important.

All this while, I was listening with fascination. The reason is that my wife and I don’t use blankets. We use the quilt. I shared with them that my problem is not with blankets or quilts, but with the air-con. My wife can’t stand hot and I can’t stand cold. So this is what happens on some nights – my wife will switch on the aircon. When it gets too cold (for me), I’d get up half asleep and switch off the aircon and go back to sleep. A while later, my wife will get up and look for the remote control to switch on the aircon again. An hour or so later, I will get up to switch it off. I am fine with this except on those occasions when I can’t find the remote control in the dark!

Don’t sweat the small stuff

Donna and I are exact opposites in many aspects – she likes to throw things away, I like to keep stuff; her side of the table is neat and tidy, my side is usually messy; she is an extrovert, I an introvert; she can’t stand the sun, I enjoy the outdoors; she manages money well, I can’t even write a cheque.

Over the years, we have learned to work things out. For example, we have learnt to like what the other person likes. I didn’t like raw food when we first met. Now, I love sashimi.

Importantly, we don’t fuss over the small stuff.

Over the years, we have learned to work things out. Importantly, we don’t fuss over the small stuff.

Appreciating differences

My wife is a go-getter and is very task-oriented. Now she is more patient and does not see the need to be in control all the time.

What happened? Well, as the saying goes – “the two shall become one”. For Donna, my calm demeanour has helped her to be less stressed. I reckon I am also a better man now as her constant reminders has helped me to be less laid back and relaxed.

As for cleanliness, I have become neater, as my wife is a very neat person. On the other hand, she has also learnt to tolerate a bit of messiness by sharing the same room, cupboard space, study table, and shelves with a “not so tidy” man.

For Donna, my calm demeanour has helped her to be less stressed. I reckon I am also a better man now as her constant reminders has helped me to be less laid back and relaxed.

Walking the middle ground in parenting

Our children, Sarah and Samuel, are now 23 and 18 years old. Right at the start, Donna and I agreed that we should give them these three things:

  1. Values to live right
  2. Music to worship
  3. Language to communicate with different cultures

We did the first two reasonably well. However, their Chinese is just as bad as ours. I guess the lesson here is that we do not just need common goals when raising children, we also need to be realistic. (We don’t even speak Chinese at home so how can we expect them to do so?)

There will be disagreements when raising children, especially when it comes to academics, tuition, and time for studies vs other things in life.

My wife places a much heavier emphasis on academics than I do. Because of my background as a prison officer, I know that there are some very smart people locked up in the prisons too. So to me, good values are more important than excellent grades.

My wife is protective of our children, and does not like to see them experience failure. As for me, I believe in giving my children permission to fail, and to learn from failure as it builds resilience.

Over the years, we have come to a middle ground and my wife has learned to let go. I have also learned to provide the emotional support to enable her to do this.

Negotiating our differences and coming to a compromise isn’t an easy task. But it helps that we share our thoughts with each other in respectful ways, and give grace when we falter.

It is not enough to marry the one we love. We must love the one we marry.

I asked this question at the beginning. “How is it that I now love her more than when we first started?”

The answer to that is perhaps my biggest lesson of all: It is not enough to marry the one we love. We must love the one we marry.

Also, having two aircon controllers help.

This article was written by Jason Wong.

What Happens When We Truly Listen To Our Spouse

Thriving in your marriage is not a science, it’s an art.

Like all relationships, marriage ebbs and flows through time and personal challenges and growth.

Through all the changes, the art of listening can affect a marriage’s strength. Gaius and Herng Wei, married for over 8 years and parents to two children aged 4 and 6, share with us their own insights and tips into this art.

1. Turn towards, not against

When the couple discovered their firstborn would be born with a congenital heart issue, they were thrown into a period of distress.

“When we received the diagnosis during the pregnancy, Gaius supported me in very practical ways like making sure I have my meals. I remember days when I said, ‘I don’t even feel functional today,’ and he would come back to make sure I have my lunch,” shared Herng Wei.

Gaius said, “That was a challenging time but thankfully, we chose to walk closer and not apart. It was a subconscious decision but looking back, thank God, we decided we could express our vulnerabilities and fears to each other.”

The fact that they had each other to turn to and communicate with was the reason this difficult season somehow got transformed into – in Herng Wei’s words – “a bonding time” instead.

When going through periods of stress and fear, do you turn towards your spouse or turn against them by shutting down or taking out your emotional turmoil on them?

Learning to express our emotional needs in a way that helps our spouse understand and support us will enhance the love in our marriage.

2. Expressing yourself authentically

The art of listening and communicating functions much like a mirror. If one is willing to listen but the other is not committed to share their feelings on a deeper level, the connection will still be lacking. But when one spouse chooses to communicate vulnerably, it can spark a desire in the other to do the same. This can form the beginning of healthy emotional connection that strengthens the foundation of your relationship.

Expressing yourself in your marriage should go beyond talking about routine matters, like what’s for dinner, who’s picking up kids, or what did the kids do in school.

Learning to express our emotional needs in a way that helps our spouse understand and support us will enhance the love in our marriage.

As Gaius shared, “There have been multiple occasions when she would say, ‘Hey, we are not connecting.’ The fact that it crops up so many times means I have not got it yet. Whenever she tells me we need to connect or I need you to listen to me, I would try to find the time to listen to her. I think of it as a cry to listen to her thoughts. If the other spouse can’t listen, then we have to ask questions to find out if there are other reasons like emotional or physical needs not being met.”

“When someone listens to me, I feel loved. It tells me that what I’m feeling is valid,” explained Herng Wei.

It is also important that no one takes these requests personally or as an accusation that one is not working hard at the relationship.

“We have to respond in a manner that’s appropriate and respectful to consciously create a safe place for the other person to talk,” added Gaius.

The magic phrase, “We will talk about this later” helps them fix a time to discuss the issue again while giving each other space to calm down.

3. Carving out quality time

But of course, expressing yourself at the wrong times can be unhelpful. Like talking about an issue during the early morning rush to get out the door, or when one spouse is obviously tired and you “won’t have them 100 percent”.

Gaius and Herng Wei shared how they have adapted their communication style after marriage and kids.

“When we were still dating, we coined this term, ‘RTC’ or real time communication. Maybe because we were still dating and we had more time to address any issues immediately because we hoped to see the whole picture and get to know each other,” said Herng Wei.

“Now, there’s some delay,” laughed Gaius.

But on the flip side, this also works to help each other become calm to ensure a conversation is gainful.

“Gaius once shared that he realised after marriage, his highs are higher and his lows are lower,” said Herng Wei, adding that the magic phrase, “We will talk about this later” helps them find a time to discuss the issue again while giving each other space to calm down.

Gaius pointed out a universal challenge that every modern-day couple probably faces – time. He shared, “The challenge has always been to carve out a window of time. People don’t ask you ‘are you available to listen’? They just say, ‘Papa, this or that’ or ‘darling, this or that’, and I need to prioritise them.”

He manages his priorities by recognising that work and other demands will always be there, but we still have to carve out time for our marriage.

What has really helped Gaius and Herng Wei is fixing a time daily where they can connect.

“We try to do evening walks every day. That’s our undistracted time to talk. It’s about 45 minutes each time and we don’t have our phones with us,” said Gaius.

This omits distractions that can affect quality time together and is a key to keeping the marriage growing.

Said Gaius, “We tend to think what’s before marriage is the same as what’s after marriage but it’s not. We need to set aside time to communicate sometime, someplace, somewhere.”

Food for thought for couples shared by Gaius and Herng Wei indeed. Would you too set aside time today to communicate and connect with your spouse heart-to-heart?

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Are You A Controlling Spouse?

  • Do you find yourself constantly trying to control what your partner does and how they do go about their tasks?
  • Do you get upset or angry if things are not done specifically how you want them to be done?
  • Do you often criticise or are judgemental towards your spouse?
  • Does your spouse complain that you are controlling?
  • Do you get your way by using the silent treatment or threats?
  • Do you often make decisions for your spouse without consulting them?

If your answers are mostly “yes”, there is a high chance that you are controlling the relationship.

1. What’s behind controlling behaviours?

No one likes to admit that they are the “controller” in their marriage.

We get defensive when our spouse says that we are controlling. We may even believe that our controlling behaviours come from a good place because we care about the well-being of our spouse and the relationship.

While our intentions may be well-meaning and our concerns valid, it is important to realise that being overly controlling can do more harm than good to the relationship. No one likes to be micromanaged, especially not our spouse. If left unchecked, controlling behaviour can erode trust and gradually push the person closest to us away.

Controlling behaviours often stem from trust issues and are exacerbated by fear and anxiety. The causes can range from deep-seated personal issues, unhealthy habits, unresolved emotional wounds, negative family modelling, and insecure attachments, to irrational beliefs about others, self, and life.

Perhaps you grew up in a family where you experienced rejection instead of unconditional acceptance. This could have resulted in dysfunctional relationship models that you unconsciously picked up and replicated in your own behaviour.

If you want to maintain a healthy and thriving relationship, you can start by attending to your personal growth.

You may hold irrational beliefs or fall into thinking traps that increase your fear or anxiety to unhealthy levels. For example, you might think that when your spouse disagrees with you on an important matter, it signifies rejection, and damages your self-esteem. So, you may give your spouse the silent treatment or demand that he/she aligns with you instead of embracing the value of differing viewpoints.

Or perhaps your personality is such that you expect compliance from your family. You feel secure and comfortable only when you are in charge.

There can be a variety of reasons why a person exhibits controlling behaviours.

Understanding the root causes of one’s controlling tendencies is not about inducing guilt or punishing oneself, but rather gaining insights into how to address them. It’s crucial to recognise and understand our need for control. Without this recognition, it becomes difficult to engage in the process of change and growth.

If you think you need help to uncover the causes of your controlling behaviour and to make changes to strengthen your marriage, consider seeing a relationship coach or a counsellor.

Instead of trying to control your spouse, learn to accept, respect, and love him/her with all his/her shortcomings and failings.

2. Practical steps to take

There are also practical steps you can take to help you loosen the reins and improve your relationship:

1. Work on yourself first

Being controlling is usually a coping mechanism for anxiety. It is not uncommon that we project our undesirable attitudes onto our spouse when we feel lousy about ourselves. If you want to maintain a healthy and thriving relationship, you can start by attending to your personal growth.

2. Accept your spouse unconditionally

Instead of trying to control your spouse, learn to accept, respect, and love him/her with all his/her shortcomings and failings.

3. Learn to manage stress well

When we feel overwhelmed by life events and situations, we can become controlling towards others as a way of coping with our insecurities. So, if anxiety is fuelling your controlling behaviours, you can alleviate it by working on your stress management skills.

4. Examine irrational beliefs

When you notice that you’re starting to exhibit controlling behaviours, ask yourself: What about this situation is making me scared or worried? What am I afraid of? When you are able to press “pause” and become more self-aware, it will help you to let go.

It takes courage to admit that we are the controller in the marriage, especially if it is feedback from our spouse.

If left unchecked, controlling behaviours often do more harm than good to your marriage. It is thus important to first acknowledge the behaviour is unhelpful, and then identify the causes behind it so that you can work towards positive and sustainable change.

© 2023 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved. 

Celebrating Marriage

Keys to intimacy and happiness

Celebrating Marriage

Do you find it hard to express your innermost hopes to your spouse?  

Learn how you can overcome the hindrances and hesitation in articulating your innermost hopes for your marital relationships. And discover the secrets to a thriving marriage as we unlock the keys to greater marital satisfaction!  

Participants will be equipped with skills to:
1.
Understand the emotional and sexual needs of their spouse
2.
Gain practical tips to meeting your spouse’s needs (and work towards having your own relationship needs met!)
3.
Learn effective ways of communication and conflict resolution

Details

Duration:  1 – 1.5 hrs 

Delivery Format: Talks can be conducted either onsite or online via Zoom 

Have questions:
Reach out for more information on this programme!

Find out more!

Connect2 is an initiative by Focus on the Family Singapore to help married couples nurture and grow their relationship.

Intimate Marriage

Cultivating sexual intimacy and marital passion

Intimate Marriage

Do you find it hard to express your innermost thoughts to your spouse?

Learn how you can overcome the hindrances to connection and begin to express your authentic self to your spouses. You will discover the secrets to a thriving marriage as we unlock the keys to greater marital satisfaction!  

Participants will be equipped with skills to:
1.
Understand the emotional and sexual needs of their spouse
2.
Gain practical tips to meeting your spouse’s needs (and work towards having your own relationship needs met!)
3.
Learn effective ways of communication and conflict resolution

Details

Duration: 1 – 1.5 hrs 

Delivery Format: Talks can be conducted either onsite or online via Zoom 

Find out more:
Reach out to learn how you can bring this programme to your community!

Enquiries

Connect2 is an initiative by Focus on the Family Singapore to help married couples nurture and grow their relationship.