Has your child ever asked you for ice-cream, and then sneakily goes and asks your spouse the same question after you say no?

Parenting is a team sport. Like a seasoned football team, we need to have each other’s backs and maintain a strong line of defence against the children’s wiles, marauding runs and sly stepovers. Marking has to be watertight.

When parents work as a team, children feel safe and secure. They also learn proactive ways to handle conflicts and resolve problems peacefully by watching their parents model these behaviours.

We may have different ideas of what it is best or we may go about it in different ways, but we have the same desires and goals.

Here are some tactical pro-tips that we can deploy today:

• #1: We’re on the same team
  Football teams wear the same jersey colours to identify themselves as a team. But families don’t. As parents, we can forget that we are on the same team and that we both want the best for our child.
  
  We may have different ideas of what it is best or we may go about it in different ways, but we have the same desires and goals. With this starting point, it’s easier to navigate our differences peaceably.
  
  

  Each teammate needs to know their role and play to their strengths and abilities.

• #2: Play to your strengths
  Not everyone in the team can be a Messi or Ronaldo. Other than the goal-scoring machines, towering defenders, midfield maestros and goalkeepers are part of the team and are just as indispensable. Each teammate needs to know their role and play to their strengths and abilities.
  
  Are you a natural problem solver? Your children will benefit from your logical thinking and assess the nature of a problem at hand. Do you have a warm personality? Your hugs and soothing voice can build a deep sense of security in the kids. In my family, my husband does better at tackling the children’s questions: “What happens when I die” or “What is an upskirt video?” On the other hand, I thrive on spontaneity – which allows me to accede to the kids’ sudden requests for baking sessions or a spontaneous Zoom meet-up with friends.
  
  

  Parents should strive to speak respectfully to each other and of each other; undermining each other in front of the kids is tantamount to a red-card.

• #3: Cover for each other
  Teammates may get upset with each other for missing a penalty or not passing the ball but they must insist on working together as a team until the referee blows the whistle. In the same way, even when parents disagree with decisions made or words said, it’s important to stick together – because we are still on the same team. Parents should strive to speak respectfully to each other and of each other; undermining each other in front of the kids is tantamount to a red-card – one man/woman down.
  
  Other times, we may need to step up when our teammate is down, whether our spouse is plain exhausted or just having a bad day. My husband enjoys playing football with a particular group of friends because they know his weaknesses and are willing to cover for his lack of ability (albeit with lots of lambasting). The other parent can step up to help out more. That’s what it means to be part of a team. We can call for cover and depend on each other.
  
  

  We need huddle time as mums and dads to consider how we are doing in our parenting journey – individually and as a team.

• #4: Team huddles are important
  Good teams have game-plans: from their formation, line up, even set plays and defence. A good team would also spend half-time to evaluate, review and motivate team members in order to secure a win. We need such huddle time as mums and dads to consider how we are doing in our parenting journey – individually and as a team.
  
  Are there issues that you need to address with a child, a behaviour or habit to be changed? Was there a parenting moment that needs to be talked through to see how it can be done better next time? After a long day of work, we often just want to relax and unwind. But these conversations are needful so both parents can be on the same page.
  
  
• #5: Celebrate wins together
  Footballers are known for their epic goal celebrations – running around the field or backflipping. Likewise as parents we need to celebration wins together – even seemingly small ones.
  
  Did you discipline a child well today? Celebrate that. The strategy you devised to cut down screen time for the kids worked? Pop the champagne.
  
  At the end of the day, we want to raise children who are their best selves – kind, compassionate, responsible and confident.
  
  

Let’s continue to encourage, motivate and inspire each other to get there together – hand-in-hand with our spouse.

© 2021 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Every child is unique, with their own personality – and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to parenting. Pick up personalised tips to meet each child's needs at the ParentEd Dialogues! Attend with your spouse and find ways to approach parenting as a team.

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